So, before this whole infertility garbage consumed my life, I used to be a very positive, laid back person with a very Type B personality. After dealing with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for years, I became a Negative Nancy. Recently, I feel like I have become a little OCD, especially when it comes to checking pregnancy tests at home. Whether I am doing a cycle or not, the week my period is due, I find myself checking at least once a day, sometimes even twice a day. I use the ICs (aka “internet cheapies”) so I have a huge stash at home and don’t feel as guilty about “wasting” the tests (because that is esentially what I am doing. Wasting.)
The thing about the internet cheapies is that the pregnancy line is often very light and can be hard to see, especially at the begining of a pregnancy. I would know because I have used thme when I was pregnant and I have seen what the line looks like. So you would think I would know how to interpret these tests. But what kills me is even when I get a clearly negative result, I find myself constantly holding it up to the light, looking at it in 500 different angles, to see if maybe, just maybe, there is a faint second line there. I drive myself crazy! And then I essentially do the same song and dance every day until my period comes.
Why do I do this? I don’t know, maybe I need that glimmer of hope in my life. Although I hate to get excited about anything prematurely, only to be let down later.
Infertility is the worst.