Numb

Haven’t updated in a while. I have nothing new to share, or at least, nothing exciting to share. I did switch fertility clinics because I moved states for my job. The new clinic is working me up from scratch before we proceed with another transfer. I have lots of little things “wrong” with me, but nothing big enough to account for all my miscarriages, so that’s frustrating. I was supposed to have a scope with endometrial biopsy, but then covid entered our world…

I’ve mainly been working from home, which is nice, although I have been going to the office from time to time. Even though my family planning is on pause for now, I am oddly calm about it. I just found out 5 new people were pregnant over the last 3 days, and who cares. People make jokes how in 9 months from now there are going to be a lot of babies born, and I shrug my shoulders. (would I love to be one of them? Of course! What are the chances of me being one of them? Probably low.) I’ve been through so much physically and emotionally that I feel like I used up all of my negative emotions.

I’m sure they will come back.

In the meantime, stay safe, be well, and please be extra considerate of yourself and others.

Coping with the Winter Holidays

The holidays have always been a tough time for me while I was struggling with infertility, but this year was especially hard, as I had a miscarriage right at the start of holiday season.

What I find so hard about the holidays is the emotional burden. Yes, holidays are supposed to be a happy time, however it is quite difficult to be happy just because you are “supposed” to be. I can’t be happy on demand. Not when I am still mourning my previous loss and not while I am unsure of what the future will bring.

What we do on the holidays is up to us. Sometimes, being with family/loved ones is a nice distraction from our problems. But sometimes it can make us feel worse. Thinking of all the traditions you loved as a child, and being unable to share it with yours. Seeing other family members with children of their own. It’s emotionally taxing! To that I say- do what is best for you.  I received news of my fetal loss the week of Thanksgiving.  I cried to my family over the phone but there was no way I could attend my large family gathering and put on a happy face, even for a few hours. I needed time with my husband to mourn, to reflect.

I’m not advising you to skip on holiday traditions, but rather do what will bring comfort the most.

As the new year is approaching, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting (more on that later, probably). Stay strong and wishing you all brighter 2019.

From the Highest of Highs to the Lowest of Lows

I don’t normally like to share medical updates, but I think I have gone through every human emotion imaginable over the past few months that I wanted to share.

So remember when I told you that I needed IVF? (see Putting the I in IVF) I asked to take September “off” because I would be out of the country for 2 weeks for a conference and I didn’t want to miss any of the monitoring or have my trip interfere with scheduling the retrieval.  My doc told me “Sure, we’ll begin after your next period.” Well…

My next period never came.

WHAT?! No way. Iv’e been seeing my reproductive endocrinologist for over a year and I was not able to get pregnant AT ALL despite using all different types of medications for ovulation induction, trigger shots and even IUI. And now, I go on a completely UNMEDICATED cycle, and I conceive???? This is unreal. The last time I was pregnant was over two years ago. This is huge! Maybe I don’t need IVF after all! What a story!

Although my husband and I were over the moon with happiness, we were also cautious about our expectations, because the last time I was pregnant, it ended with a first trimester miscarriage. But so far, things were going well. I was going in for hcg checks every few days and the levels were appropriately rising. Good sign.

Then I went for my first ultrasound. They found the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole. This worried me a bit, because during my last pregnancy, the ultrasound was not lining up with the expected dates. But my RE told me “don’t worry, you probably just ovulated late. Come back in a week, we should be able to see the heartbeat by then.”

I was pretty nervous. I kept thinking back to my last pregnancy where the heartbeat was never detected. I went for my return ultrasound. I told them I was nervous. They said “Why? Look, there is your baby and there is the heartbeat.” They found it almost instantaneously. Oh my God. This is really happening! Finding the heartbeat is such a reassuring sign! Again, the fetus measured to be younger than expected since my last period, but again, “I ovulated late.” They wanted me to come back in a week.

So I went back, this time without the hubby. Everyone was overly cheerful. The receptionist asked “is this your last visit with us?” My doc saw me and said with a smile, “still nervous?” He proceeds with the ultrasound. He stops talking. He shows me the fetus and the cardiac activity.  He tells me that the fetus was very small and did not grow appropriately. He then proceeds to measure the heart rate. It’s 90 beats per minute, which is slow.  You know things are bad when you can hear your doctor say “shit” under his breath. He told me that things didn’t look good. The fetus was still alive, so there was nothing we could actively do, but he wanted me to come back by the end of the week. That would either confirm the worst, or maybe a miracle would happen and everything would be fine.

Since then I couldn’t even bring myself to go to work. My husband and I were devastated. We let our families know, and they were devastated as well. They cried with us, and the grieved with us. I went back for my repeat ultrasound, and our worst fears were confirmed. I will be having a miscarriage. Again. They sent me for a slew of bloodwork and they gave me collection cups so they can study the products of conception. So now, I wait for this dreaded thing to happen. A piece of my heart has left and will never be replaced.

What went from an amazing 2 months changed to the worst week of my life in an instant. I’ll come back and write about the coping and grieving process, but in short, there is no wrong way to grieve.

 

 

Royal Pains

I have 2 work deadlines this week so what better way to work on them than to procrastinate?

I want to talk about the Royal Family for a bit, namely, the leading ladies. I’ve been getting so tired of hearing about them in the news all the time. Kate is pregnant! Again! And again! Meghan wants to have babies soon! Meghan is pregnant! Just like she wanted! At first I was like “how dare you ladies have no problems with fertility while a commoner such as myself is agonizing over it.” But I obviously have no hard feelings towards them. They’re not tormenting me on purpose.

It’s the media coverage I have problems with. The media doesn’t just report about celebrity pregnancies (suspected or confirmed), they SENSATIONALIZE it. It can get pretty annoying for anyone who doesn’t “care” about celebrity news, but for someone with infertility who is trying to take her mind off everyone around her getting pregnant, hearing about all these pregnant celebs does not make it easier! After Meghan Markle’s pregnancy announcement, for example, my Instagram explore page exploded with pictures of her and suspected baby bumps. I don’t want to see this! I don’t need reminders.

Do I need to flee to a deserted island to free myself of all this? Maybe I just need to visit Buckingham Palace for some fertility luck, since there seems to be an overabundance there.

Deja Vu

So, I’ve complained before about how difficult it is to deal with those around me getting pregnant as I struggle with infertility. It can get quite taxing to be happy for someone and feel bad for yourself at the same time!  Along with a string of other negative emotions!

Well, I’ve been noticing a new trend. The SAME people that were getting  pregnant and having kids and making me feel bad about myself are now getting pregnant AGAIN!!! I know I’ve been dealing with fertility issues for quite some time, but to see people get pregnant (not literally lol), have their baby 9 months later, wait some time, and then get pregnant again—really puts things in perspective. It also amplifies the fact that all this time I was “trying,” I could have had  who knows how many kids by now.

Just wanted to vent. I’ll keep this post short and [bitter]sweet.

 

 

Get Low

Ever have one of those days? Or weeks?

I want to take a break from social media. The amount of people I have snoozed or blocked for posting all things pregnancy/baby related is getting out of hand.  I can think of at least 3 people who have announced they are pregnant within the past month alone.

Fun fact: I realized something about myself . Not all parenthood-related posts trigger me (ie, make me feel sad and depressed and helpless). Only the ones related to the state of being pregnant- like pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pictures, baby bumps, gender reveals, baby showers- do. But pictures of babies and kids don’t make me feel as bad. Huh.

Anyway, I follow this one person on social media who is dealing with an issue of her own. The majority of her posts are filled with optimism, with the occasional “it’s okay to be not okay” message. And you know what, she’s right.

I don’t hide my feelings from my family and friends, but I do put on a happy face more often than not. I go to work every day and my coworkers would never guess what I am going through (except for the ones who know). Even my own family, who gives me  such amazing support, doesn’t fully get it that when I see my baby cousins, as much as I love playing with them, it’s still a painful reminder of the family I do not yet have.

So you know what? I’ve been more down lately. Things aren’t going as smoothly as I would like. I’m not going to repress my feelings.

Because this sucks.

And it’s okay.

Coping with… In-Laws! :)

Hello! It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I had good news to share, but I don’t. Still seeing my reproductive endocrinologist, still not pregnant.  As upset and frustrating as this journey is, I don’t want all of my posts to be negative.  So I decided to vent about my in-laws. Harmless, right?

Disclaimer:  I love my in-laws very much.  I really do.  They raised a wonderful son and they are very good to me.

But… 😉

But sometimes you have to watch your mouth! Okay, that sounds harsh. During my infertility journey,  my in-laws have actually been very patient and understanding through it all. My husband is an only child, which means if his parents want grandchildren, I am their only hope. So I don’t blame them if they are starting to get anxious. But today, I overheard my husband talking to one of his parents on the phone- he put the phone on speaker so this does NOT count as eavesdropping! 😉 Anyway, a certain in-law made a comment about “hurrying up” with the infertility treatment process. I won’t get into details but that was the gist.

I flipped out. Hurry up?!?!!? Does this in-law not know that I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist for about a year? That I have tried multiple medical therapies that have not worked? That in the last year I have cried the most I have ever cried in my life?? That I have no control over this situation? Well guess what, I cried today and I cried good.

Here’s the thing.  I know my in-laws have good intentions. We are all frustrated and we all want the same outcome. They just have to understand that as hard as it is for them, it is so much harder for me. They have to understand this is a very sore subject for me and they have to understand how a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.  I’m lucky to have a loving and supportive husband who always has my back (even when it comes to his parents!). But I wish I never had to go through this infertility journey to begin with.

On another note, anyone have any good in-law stories? Vent away! 😉