Get Low

Ever have one of those days? Or weeks?

I want to take a break from social media. The amount of people I have snoozed or blocked for posting all things pregnancy/baby related is getting out of hand.  I can think of at least 3 people who have announced they are pregnant within the past month alone.

Fun fact: I realized something about myself . Not all parenthood-related posts trigger me (ie, make me feel sad and depressed and helpless). Only the ones related to the state of being pregnant- like pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pictures, baby bumps, gender reveals, baby showers- do. But pictures of babies and kids don’t make me feel as bad. Huh.

Anyway, I follow this one person on social media who is dealing with an issue of her own. The majority of her posts are filled with optimism, with the occasional “it’s okay to be not okay” message. And you know what, she’s right.

I don’t hide my feelings from my family and friends, but I do put on a happy face more often than not. I go to work every day and my coworkers would never guess what I am going through (except for the ones who know). Even my own family, who gives me  such amazing support, doesn’t fully get it that when I see my baby cousins, as much as I love playing with them, it’s still a painful reminder of the family I do not yet have.

So you know what? I’ve been more down lately. Things aren’t going as smoothly as I would like. I’m not going to repress my feelings.

Because this sucks.

And it’s okay.

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Coping with… In-Laws! :)

Hello! It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I had good news to share, but I don’t. Still seeing my reproductive endocrinologist, still not pregnant.  As upset and frustrating as this journey is, I don’t want all of my posts to be negative.  So I decided to vent about my in-laws. Harmless, right?

Disclaimer:  I love my in-laws very much.  I really do.  They raised a wonderful son and they are very good to me.

But… 😉

But sometimes you have to watch your mouth! Okay, that sounds harsh. During my infertility journey,  my in-laws have actually been very patient and understanding through it all. My husband is an only child, which means if his parents want grandchildren, I am their only hope. So I don’t blame them if they are starting to get anxious. But today, I overheard my husband talking to one of his parents on the phone- he put the phone on speaker so this does NOT count as eavesdropping! 😉 Anyway, a certain in-law made a comment about “hurrying up” with the infertility treatment process. I won’t get into details but that was the gist.

I flipped out. Hurry up?!?!!? Does this in-law not know that I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist for about a year? That I have tried multiple medical therapies that have not worked? That in the last year I have cried the most I have ever cried in my life?? That I have no control over this situation? Well guess what, I cried today and I cried good.

Here’s the thing.  I know my in-laws have good intentions. We are all frustrated and we all want the same outcome. They just have to understand that as hard as it is for them, it is so much harder for me. They have to understand this is a very sore subject for me and they have to understand how a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.  I’m lucky to have a loving and supportive husband who always has my back (even when it comes to his parents!). But I wish I never had to go through this infertility journey to begin with.

On another note, anyone have any good in-law stories? Vent away! 😉

 

A Not So Happy Mother’s Day

Although every day should be Mother’s Day, I like the idea of having a designated holiday to celebrate the wonderful mothers out there. As a child I enjoyed spending the day with my mother and my grandmothers.

As I continue my infertility journey, each passing Mother’s Day becomes more and more bittersweet. Of course I still celebrate it with my mother and grandmother, but I yearn for the day when I will be celebrated too. Mother’s Day is another painful reminder that I am not a mother. And with all of my mom friends on social media who will be flooding my newsfeeds with pictures of their Mother’s Day celebrations, this just amplifies that feeling of being slapped in the face.

This year, I celebrate mother’s day with a miscarriage under my belt, along with multiple failed ovulation-induction cycles. In fact, I was in the middle of a new cycle and just got my period yesterday. While periods are heartbreaking for any woman trying to conceive, the pain stings harder for me when the period fall out around Mother’s Day.

I walk outside and see strangers, young girls with baby strollers and belly bumps. Women that are probably younger than me.  I hope the realize how blessed they are. I can’t help but think that the world is trying to tell me “EFF YOU.” And I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

This year, I will be returning home from an 8 hour road trip, so I will “miss” Mother’s Day. But while that might numb the pain, it doesn’t eliminate it.

When the Only Gains are in Weight

Confession: I love chocolate. LOVE. I honestly think I have an addiction to it because I must eat it every day. When I was younger, I went shopping with my family and, for whatever the reason, got into a bad mood. I came home, had some M&Ms and I turned into the most pleasant person in the world. My family teases me about that to this day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with my body now (well, except for my reproductive system that seems to be on vacation, but I digress). But here’s the thing- given the nature of my schooling and now my job, I had an awful schedule over the past 8 years or so. Working 24 hour shifts, alternating between working during the day and overnight- just horrible timing! I found myself starving and then over-eating as a result. I barely had time to exercise because the second I got home, I would sleep. Yes, I could have “made” time. But I didn’t. My weight began to fluctuate a bit, but whenever I gained a few pounds, I had a very easy time losing them.

Last year, I gained 20 pounds. I started a new job with long work hours including taking calls from home. I would be woken in the middle of the night and was not sleeping well. I still wasn’t eating well either. And I still had no time to go to the gym. But this time, despite my attempt at lifestyle changes, the weight would not come off.

This year my schedule lightened up a bit. Here are some of the lifestyle changes I made:

I practice portion control.

I don’t skip any meals.

At least one of my meals is a salad.

I take a 24oz thermos of water with my to work and drink it by the end of the day.

I limit snacks to 0-1 per day (let’s be real, I can’t cut out chocolate completely)

I go to the gym twice a week (I go with the hubby so there is some schedule coordination involved).

Despite all this, my weight has not budged. In fact, I sometimes gain a couple of pounds, lose them, but nothing more.

I don’t have a negative body image, but I know the importance of a healthy weight when trying to achieve pregnancy. When certain fertility treatments have not worked for me, I sometimes wonder “would they have worked if my weight was more stable?”

I’m not giving up. I’m going to continue to practice healthy lifestyle habits, because ultimately health is what matters most. But if anyone has any healthy and safe weight loss tricks up their sleeve, I’d love to hear them!

Does Social Media Make You Feel Like a Bad Person?

Let me explain.

One recurring theme I’ve come across is how women with infertility/miscarriage react when a friend/family member is pregnant. Feeling happy for them, yet also sad/frustrated/angry/jealous/bitter/you name it. I’ve gone through all of those emotions.

Less than one month after my miscarriage, I got a pregnancy announcement from my cousin (who is younger than me and on her second kid- it’s not a race, but still) and from one of my close friends. I was beside myself. Of course I was happy for the both of them. I really was! But at the same time, I thought, why not me?

I was pretty sad about it. I still am.

Enter the world of social media. In the age of oversharing, there are so many opportunities to share whatever you want- and this is great! I’ve done it! When I got married, I shared pictures! When I got a new job, I shared that too! But it seems like every day someone new is either pregnant or just gave birth. And to be honest, it’s hard for me. Pictures of birth announcements, ultrasounds, baby-bumps, gender reveals, baby showers, baby pictures- things I used to enjoy looking at now evoke such negative emotion within me. I even get flooded with celebrity pregnancy posts. I can’t catch a break! Of course these women have every right to display their happiness- I would give anything to be in their shoes! But now I am here feeling sorry for myself and angry and bitter and, you know the drill. And then I feel guilty for feeling these feelings (especially the anger, bitterness and jealousy).

Some things I did to help clear my mind: I talked it out, mostly with the hubby (bless him and his unlimited supply of patience). I unfollowed some of the more frequent posters (you know, the ones who post like a million pictures of the same baby-related thing every day). I stopped “liking” pictures, even of closer friends. This might seem silly, but right now, it’s too much for me to handle. I know I said I would share my experiences and how I cope, but I’m still figuring out how to fully cope with this one. I’ll probably take a break from social media altogether. And will focus on my blog 🙂

Welcome

Hi there~

Thank you for stopping by. If you are here I hope I can be a source of support during what I’m sure is a difficult time. A little about myself and the nature of this blog. I am in my 30s, I ‘ve been married for 5 years and I struggle with infertility. I was pregnant once, which unfortunately ended in miscarriage. I thought that was devastating enough, however I have not been able to conceive since then (years). I am lucky to have an amazing support system, but it’s just not the same when the ones I turn to have not actually gone through the struggles that I have.  I began to realize that simple parts of everyday life were increasingly harder for me to handle secondary to my infertility.

I decided to create this blog to detail those experiences, how infertility got in the way, and how I cope. I will NOT be discussing the medical aspect of my ongoing journey, but I might get a little technical here and there.

My main goal is to hopefully help others while I get to vent a little. I invite you to make of this blog whatever you want- a place for support, a place for encouragement, a place to share your story, or most importantly, a place to know that you are not alone.